Hetalia Hell: Cook or Die Trying
by Jolee Finch
Summary: Hell's Kitchen gets a Hetalia spin. Or Hetalia has its own Hell's Kitchen twist. Fourteen competitors. A phantom. Sweden is the chef. Who will win?
1. Day One: Part One

**Disclaimer: Hell's Kitchen is a reality show produced by Chef (and former football player) Gordon Ramsay. I don't know if FF will allow this mash-up, but anyway, I hope it won't get deleted. Hetalia and all further anime adaptions are the work of Hidekaz Himaruya.**

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**Hell's Kitchen: Hetalia-style.**

**Prize:** Winner gets to open his or her own restaurant in Vegas.

**Chef: **Sweden. (A stand-in, mostly for cohesion and I don't want to use the real guy)  
**Sous chefs**: The Balkan countries (Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia)  
**Contestants:**

**England:** Known for his horrible cooking skills.

**France:** His chefs have great palates.

**Germany:** Potatoes. More potatoes.

**Italy:** Pasta lover. His pasta should be good. We don't know about the pizza.  
**Spain:** Owns a quaint café in Madrid. No further info was given.

**China:** Known for his chain of restaurants around the world.

**Russia:** Does he even know how to cook?

**Austria:** Is competent, but lazy sometimes. About time the show got someone musical.

**Hungary:** The pacifist, but feisty on the inside.

**Prussia:** Most likely to get kicked out early in the game… or steal/bribe/kill to get the prize.

**Ukraine:** Possible eye-candy. Yes, eye-candy.

**America:** Most likely to be asked if he's over himself already or not.

**Japan:** Most likely to earn a black jacket.

**Belarus:** Token female from hell. We're gonna keep her perhaps until the round of five.  
**Poland:** Our wild card. Not on the show per se.

* * *

**DAY ONE: SIGNATURE DISH**

This season, fourteen official contestants are vying for the once in a lifetime chance of opening a restaurant in Vegas!

IT'S GOING TO BE CUTTHROAT!

IT WILL BE THE MOST CHALLENGING!

GUT-WRENCHING!

EMOTIONAL SEASON EVER!

WE ARE GOING GLOBAL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY.

AND NOW, BACK TO HELL'S KITCHEN.

"I know I'm going to win. I can and I will out-cook everyone" says France. Ridiculously sensual France is standing beside England, whose head was already emitting fumes at the thought of France winning anything at all. France is always so damn competitive.

Down the line, Germany looks confident in his new chef jacket. Who knew? The man looks good in uniform. Next to Germany is Italy, with a bowl of pasta and being his usually funky self. Japan remained quiet. Learning the menu better than anyone else was crucial. The competition hasn't even started and unnecessary stress showers over him.

America, the cheerful. "HA! I'm going to definitely win. No one should underestimate me! After *I* win, I'm going to send monthly vouchers for all of you to come to my restaurant and if you don't show up something terrible might happen!" What America has in mind is opening a fast food joint. It sort of looks like Wendy's, but he swears it's not Wendy's.

Prussia is a bit separated from the group. It's helter-skelter. Friends? It's not about making friends. Screw friends. "Alliances will be useful on the long run" he says. "You see? I'm looking at my brigade right now. I won't let them run me!"

Russia just wants to watch the world burn. He's in it for the violence. The blackmail. Hopefully there will be vodka in the dorms.

Sweden shows up with the trembling trio. Without a word, everyone is already close to peeing their pants. Except England and France. Sweden's mere presence is intimidating. Looking to impress him, the group runs to the hills to cook.

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**Rounds:**

**England vs Germany**

Sweden: "England, this is awful."

Upon hearing this, England swallows hard while the rest are still shaking. Sweden sure looks menacing. Germany ,on the other hand, is spared but told not to use so many potatoes and he could use a bit more seasoning.

**America vs Spain**

Sweden: "WHY ARE YOU GETTING ME A BURGER? THIS IS FROM MCDONALD'S!"

America: "Whaaaa? This is the usual! Please, keep me! You haven't tried my microwave meals yet!"  
Sweden: "I'll be watching you. Spain and his chorizos earn the point."

**China vs Hungary**

Sweden: "Good fried rice. A little average. Hungary… too much palinka on the cake, what are up to…?"  
Hungary: "Sorry, sir! I will blow your mind next time!"  
Sweden: "I'm feeling generous. You both get the point. Russia and Prussia look like they want to poison me…"

***Russia gets told off for making only a vodka cocktail. Prussia is sent back because he wanted Austria to cook his dish. Austria competes against Italy. Italy gets the point for perfect pasta.***

**Ukraine vs Japan**

Japan: "Don't cry, Ukraine… I'm sure your dish is good" he whispers.

Sweden wonders if she needs a shrink, but compliments her on her apple pie. He approves of Japan's onigiri. Japan gets the point.

**Belarus vs France**

Sweden: "So many oysters… and this is all?"  
Belarus: "Yes, with these I hope to seduce Russia. You stay away from him!"

Sweden looks confused. We're close-captioning his confusion.

France tries to kiss Sweden for extra sugar. His croissants are good.

**Teams:**

**Jellies:**

France, Russia, Japan, Ukraine, Germany, China, Hungary

**Peanuts:**

America, England, Prussia, Belarus, Spain, Italy, Austria

Jellies win. Peanuts clean both kitchens.

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**NEXT CHAPTER: MINI SERVICE AND ELIMINATION. WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK. WE'VE GOT SLEDGEHAMMERS. **


	2. Day One: Part Two

**Disclaimer: Hell's Kitchen is a reality show produced by Chef (and former football player) Gordon Ramsay. Hetalia and all further anime adaptions are the work of Hidekaz Himaruya.**

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**DAY ONE: PART TWO**

"What are you so happy about?" England looks sideways at France as he and the rest of the Jellies arrive from a pleasant afternoon at the spa. He is tomato red and wishing the day was finally over. France sashays his goods, only infuriating England more.

"I could get used to this, you know…" goes through Germany's head. Being a Nazi drill sergeant wasn't easy at all. So much stress. This was one of the few chances where he was free to sound normal. Plus, about time he could hit on someone, maybe Hungary… because Russia would poison his food if he so much looked at Ukraine. Prussia is clearly unhappy. Not only he had to clean pile, after pile, after pile of dirty cookware, Germany was eyeing Hungary. "I will make it my second mission to make Hungary mine" he thinks "my first is to win at all costs."

Russia is nowhere to be seen. Apparently, he's hiding inside the freezer, hoping Belarus won't see him. However, Belarus has spent half the day dolling herself up. The Peanuts are mad knowing they had to do her chores and are considering putting her up for elimination.

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***AUSTRIA CAM* **

"And while I'm at it, Prussia should go!"

"I have nothing else to say, why don't we enjoy some Haydn?"

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**DINNER SERVICE **

**FIVE MINUTES INTO DINNER SERVICE**

Germany: "WHAT? WHERE DID ALL THIS PASTA COME FROM?"

Italy: "Veeeeee… pasta, is there anything else we truly need?"

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***FRANCE CAM***

France is shown crying.

"Why? First war and now this… I have to get a chance to shine… STUPID ITALY!"

-pun intended-  
China sneaks up and pats him on the back to console him. Hands France a tissue.

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Sweden: "WHERE IS THE BEEF?"

America: "I don't know, all the beef I found at the dorms I'm gonna use it for hamburgers…"

Japan, that pillar of reason and patience, asks if they can all use fish instead and combine it with the pasta. Sweden gives in. Half an hour later, Sweden notices his sous chefs are missing.

Sweden: "Germany! I need you to track down my sous chefs. It is likely they might have escaped."

Germany: "On it, sir!" Oh, Germany. He knew it in his heart. Hell's Kitchen wasn't going to be any different than bootcamp.

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**ONE HOUR**

Ukraine, Hungary, and Spain are happily baking merengues and brownies. Prussia wishes with all his heart he could lock Spain in one of the ovens so he could be that close to Hungary… NO, SPAIN NO, YOUR HAND ON HUNGARY'S WAIST.

***PRUSSIA CAM***

"I get to touch Hungary's boobs! No one else has done it throughout the World series. No one, dammit!"

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**TWO HOURS**

France, China, Italy, and Spain appear to be consistent. America is glued to the pass. There's no way to move him, because Sweden has given up even with that threatening physique. America smiles, tasting everything. "I could get used to this… it's free food after all!"

England: "You'll get fat."  
America begins to cry.

Germany: "I can't find your sous chefs, sir… I'm really sorry…"

Sweden: "No big deal. I need to turn it off now. You know, in case viewers complain we keep going past our allotted time."

Italy opens the freezer in the Jellies side. Russia, and the Balkan countries, have been found.

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**ELIMINATION ROUND**

Sweden won't declare winners tonight. He's pretty sure all contestants are too nervous and would take a victory as a threat.

America, Belarus, and Russia are told to come forward.

America: "Why me?! Italy did nothing but pasta! Hamburgers are more filling and your sous chefs went missing! I'm the hero in everything, remember?" America argues, pain in his eyes.

Belarus: "All I care is looking good to Russia. I can cook for you, but I will always love Russia. Russia should run this show."

Meanwhile, Russia blushes slightly and cowers.

Russia: "Belarus won't leave me alone. I'm doing this for sister Ukraine. Who knows and she might win it. But I don't want Germany OR Prussia near her!"

Sweden thinks…

And thinks…

And thinks… silent as always…

Russia goes. To Hell with the freezers. Besides, Sweden needs him to deliver the booze for cooking and drinking and debauchery. Belarus sobs harder than a woman in labor pains while Austria thinks Haydn might not have heard him well and reminds him it had to be Prussia. PRUSSIA.

Sweden grabs three chairs. On each chair, a Balkan country is seated. And tied up. Until next time, when we hope they will know their positions by heart.

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**ITALY DODGED A BULLET. WILL HE BE SAVED?**

**WE DON'T KNOW WHY AMERICA IS STILL HERE.**

**WILL BELARUS LOSE HER MIND?**

**YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH COUNTRY DOES THE UNTHINKABLE.**

**WATCH PRUSSIA DOWN SIX BOTTLES OF PALINKA IN UNDER FIVE MINUTES.**


End file.
